Saturday, February 21, 2009
Your Fixed Gear Is So Whack, When You Roll Up...
Spring is almost here and the news is out, fixed gears have been oficially dismissed so go get yourself a roadbike.
"I know this is probably redundant, because dismissing you is so obvious it hurts, but OH, for the love of GOD, you fixed gear bicycle riders in the city. You’re so tough…defiantly helmet-free, death wish in your pocket, NO FEAR. Playing chicken with cab drivers, flipping off anyone and everyone who dares get in your way, sneering through your Ray-Bans at the pathetic city bike with the handbrakes (psshhh, so ’98) stopping next to you at the signal (when you can be bothered to obey traffic signals, that is).
I want you to know a couple things:
1) You might think a lack of manual brakes on your bike makes you a badass, but it really makes you a fucking retard.
2) Fixies are fast, no doubt about that. They’re fast because they were built for bike racing. In a velodrome. WHERE THERE ARE NO HILLS. OR CARS.
3) Yeah, cars. You hate them because they are always cutting you off, taking up your space on the road, threatening your life. It is a constant battle. But the simple, unavoidable truth is this: If ever the day comes where your face meets the grill of my ’67 Nova, YOU LOSE. Meditate on this fact the next time you hop on your bike after a few too many beers at the bar.
4) Helmets are like, a million times cooler than permanent brain damage.
As much as I would like to see the world rid of your cute little matching hats and nauseating sense of entitlement, I think that the next logical step is going to be fixed gear bicycles on the fucking freeway. What could be more YES WE CAN than allowing bikes everywhere cars can go?
And don’t talk to me about how “practical” your bike is in the city. You sound like an idiot. How’s this for practical: My bike has a basket, a bell, ten gears (so I can ride up those pesky hills you keep having to walk your fixie up), brakes, a super comfy huge seat and a fucking COFFEE MUG holder.
Anyway, could you maybe, just for a second, stop acting like you own the road? I swear if you slam your skinny fist on the hood of my car as you pass, one more time, I will sideswipe you into a goddam Hummer and not lose a moment’s sleep over it. I’m not out to get you, fixed gear riders in the city. I just think you are dumb. You have been dismissed."